when your heart is hammering....

my heart fell out of my chest and i knew suddenly what heartache meant. it is not an abstract concept. it is a very real pain when your chest constricts and your heart is beating at lightning speed and you can't breathe...when you want it all to end, and you don't know how to end it... when the anguish of being alive is too intense and there are no silver linings visible at close quarters... and you just hope and pray that when you die, people will miss you and regret all the things they did wrong and that you will be remembered forever after as a saint and an angel... that all the pain you have endured will wash your soul clean and that you will be forever cherished in heaven for bearing your crosses with a guiltless conscience and compassion for the undeserving and yet the already forgiven...

and then i forgave... and my heart stopped beating... and i realized with humility that i had nothing to forgive. for i am one of the ones needing forgiveness... for it was anger that had made me anxious... and in anxiety there is no innocence.

calm like the rainbow after the storm, i stared out at the world once again... and was finally able to smile.